Showing posts tagged personal.
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ask.  

long island resident, yoga student & teacher,
live music devotee, plant eater, cat enthusiast
with a lot to get off of her chest, and a blog to prove it.

my face | my yoga journey | notes to self

lightbulb moment.

i have been endlessly searching for and stressing over finding new various hobbies, degree and certification programs, and the financial means to follow through with them. to both make up for the self worth i’ve been lacking, and the money that yoga won’t be providing me with until i open up my own studio (maybe not even then).

where have i been! i’ve been so focused on what i can’t do that i forgot all of the things that i can do. as much as fear has driven me to believe otherwise, i can teach yoga. and i can take some pretty sweet pictures. and i can write. there are so many things i can do skillfully (if you ask me, at least), that i’ve blocked out from my mind.

i don’t have to spend thousands upon thousands of dollars and years upon years on more schooling when there are so many more opportunities for me to take advantage of right now that will help me live an abundant life in my career.

and i have to extend my sincerest thank you to all of my support team for telling me these exact things for as long as i’ve been faced with this bought of self-doubt. thank you for putting the idea into my head that i can do the things i aspire to do, and sorry for shrugging your words off like they were untrue until i was finally able to believe them. please do me a favor and send me to this post the next time i fall back down.

— 8 months ago with 17 notes
#personal  #notes to self 
the things he might as well say.

this is all your fault, natalie.
why won’t you love me?
why won’t you nurture me?
why won’t you see that you hurt me?
why do you ever think that it can be over?
silly girl.
you know i’ll always be back.
to remind you what you did.
those mistakes you made.
all of the trouble you started.
i wil never let you forget any of it.
i will shove it down your throat until you have nightmares about it.
until you have daydreams about it.
until you eat, sleep, and breathe about it.
until you love me.
because i will make you fucking love me.

— 11 months ago with 16 notes
#personal 
in my favorite chair.

i haven’t been able to sit in my favorite chair for a long time. well, of course i’ve been able to. but i haven’t thought i deserved it enough to actually go ahead and do it.

i’ve resorted to curling up in my bed for an unhealthy amount of hours at a time while eating nutella straight from the container and drinking soda like it was water. this may not sound like much unless you know me- one spoonful of nutella a month would be a treat for me, i haven’t let soda touch my lips in years, and the last time before this past month or so that i remember staying in bed past noon (forget about into the night) was when i had mono in 7th grade. i got a terrible second job for two weeks where i was making minimum wage to have my new bad habits encouraged even further, erasing all of the available time i have to practice or study yoga, and ended up sick as hell all weekend (even still) because of it.

despite my weak bones and woozy head, i forced myself to be out and about all day today. for every second i even looked at my bed, i found something productive to do, or something healthy to attempt to eat. you know, just to get some fresh air and get rid of whatever bug i may have. it helped beyond that. it’s not the outcome i was looking for. but i’ll take it.

both of my exes are out there somewhere living life as they please, hopefully learning a thing or two about honesty and compassion in the process. whatever they do learn, it won’t be from me. what i myself have learned more than anything through all of this is that no matter how hard you may try, you cannot save anybody except yourself.

and that’s what i’m going to do. i’ve promised it to myself and to the ones who care about me most and to my higher powers, but i will not fall victim to the people and things i have no control over. love comes and love goes, but i’m still here.

so after a day of productivity and head clearing, my chair feels much more inviting. sitting on its floral fabric, under the dim christmas lights, next to my newly framed diploma and my favorite healthy beverage, with the yankee game playing the in background, i feel much more recognizable.

in conclusion, it’s time for natalie to grow a pair of balls.

— 1 year ago with 22 notes
#personal 
The nonsensical details of my month thus far is not important. What is important is that whatever did happen got me to where I am today- deprived. The countless guilt trips and stabs in the back and loss of friends and lovers erased everything I ever knew about loving myself. My diet has consisted of mangos, Nutella, Reese’s and soda. My room is a mess for the first time in all of my existence. I haven’t gone to a yoga class in god knows how long. There were even a few days I stayed in bed until dinnertime. And it’s all because I spent all of my energy fixing everybody else but myself. 

Today was a new day. I got my nails done, cut and dyed my hair, put on some makeup, and now I’m going to sit with my favorite cup of tea and my favorite yoga books in my favorite corner of my favorite Starbucks. Because there’s no one else who needs my love more than me right now.

The nonsensical details of my month thus far is not important. What is important is that whatever did happen got me to where I am today- deprived. The countless guilt trips and stabs in the back and loss of friends and lovers erased everything I ever knew about loving myself. My diet has consisted of mangos, Nutella, Reese’s and soda. My room is a mess for the first time in all of my existence. I haven’t gone to a yoga class in god knows how long. There were even a few days I stayed in bed until dinnertime. And it’s all because I spent all of my energy fixing everybody else but myself.

Today was a new day. I got my nails done, cut and dyed my hair, put on some makeup, and now I’m going to sit with my favorite cup of tea and my favorite yoga books in my favorite corner of my favorite Starbucks. Because there’s no one else who needs my love more than me right now.

— 1 year ago with 29 notes
#personal  #self love 
be careful what you wish for.

i wished for three months that i had somebody in my position to relate to. it would have been so much easier if only i didn’t feel so alone. as the story often goes, now that i have it, i don’t want it. i would rather be alone than have somebody else go through it with me. nobody deserves this. not even me.

— 1 year ago with 13 notes
#personal 
things are changing

so drastically.

a lost job, a gained job, a lost job, a lost relationship, a gained relationship, a gained job. it’s all happening so quickly. this year is not starting as smoothly as i foresaw it.

i left starbucks for what i thought were the right and mature reasons. lululemon hired too many seasonal educators, so they had to let most of us go. starbucks won’t take me back due to a (insert euphemistic adjective here) ex-manager. mitch and i decided to take a serious break. i started talking again to my old best from who i have not spoken to in over year. now i’ve found myself back at town hall- the safety net of a job i promised myself i would never go back to. it’s a full time gig that won’t get in the way of my teacher training or the second job i may or may not pick up, so i can’t really complain. it’s definitely something. and i’m lucky to have that to hold me over.

with all that being ranted.. i still have faith that life guides you in the direction you need to go, not in the direction you want to go.

— 1 year ago with 27 notes
#rant  #personal 
For the very first time, I will be doing something for my career.

The new job isn’t the career move I thought it would be. My last day is the 13th, then I will be starting fresh at a Starbucks straight off the long beach shore. Which is definitely a bright side. But on the brighter side, the deposit has been made, and I will officially begin my yoga teacher training course on January 19th. It ends on June 9th. So it’s definitely fair to say I will be teaching by the end of the year.

I don’t mean to sound like a broken record… But I am ready for you 2013.

— 1 year ago with 23 notes
#personal  #my yoga journal 

there were two beautifully, blissfuly mediocre days. nothing ordinarily exciting happened except for a sudden wave of contentment. i wish i could watch myself for those two days, and even the days leading up to it to capture what i was doing right. because whatever it was, today i was not doing it.

— 1 year ago with 11 notes
#personal