i haven’t been able to sit in my favorite chair for a long time. well, of course i’ve been able to. but i haven’t thought i deserved it enough to actually go ahead and do it.
i’ve resorted to curling up in my bed for an unhealthy amount of hours at a time while eating nutella straight from the container and drinking soda like it was water. this may not sound like much unless you know me- one spoonful of nutella a month would be a treat for me, i haven’t let soda touch my lips in years, and the last time before this past month or so that i remember staying in bed past noon (forget about into the night) was when i had mono in 7th grade. i got a terrible second job for two weeks where i was making minimum wage to have my new bad habits encouraged even further, erasing all of the available time i have to practice or study yoga, and ended up sick as hell all weekend (even still) because of it.
despite my weak bones and woozy head, i forced myself to be out and about all day today. for every second i even looked at my bed, i found something productive to do, or something healthy to attempt to eat. you know, just to get some fresh air and get rid of whatever bug i may have. it helped beyond that. it’s not the outcome i was looking for. but i’ll take it.
both of my exes are out there somewhere living life as they please, hopefully learning a thing or two about honesty and compassion in the process. whatever they do learn, it won’t be from me. what i myself have learned more than anything through all of this is that no matter how hard you may try, you cannot save anybody except yourself.
and that’s what i’m going to do. i’ve promised it to myself and to the ones who care about me most and to my higher powers, but i will not fall victim to the people and things i have no control over. love comes and love goes, but i’m still here.
so after a day of productivity and head clearing, my chair feels much more inviting. sitting on its floral fabric, under the dim christmas lights, next to my newly framed diploma and my favorite healthy beverage, with the yankee game playing the in background, i feel much more recognizable.
in conclusion, it’s time for natalie to grow a pair of balls.