i started my rainy morning with a yoga class, where the instructor told us to dedicate our practice to something we felt was missing from our lives. some people sat at the top of their mat, eyes relaxed closed, thinking of who or what they missed most, i’m sure. but my brows were instantly furrowed, and my mind instantly rushed towards my severe lack of independence. it was no question. my dependence on the approval and comfort from others far overshadows any dependence i have on myself. it’s all following, and no leading. so i dedicated my practice to finding that sense of self there once was within me.
that night, i went with two seemingly excited friends to the dave matthews band show at the jones beach theater. we didn’t have tickets to go in, though. we sat on the patch of grass, next to the shore, directly behind the gate that separated us from the outdoor venue. because of the trees, we could only see the crowd, and the side of the stage. but we could hear everything perfectly. and the way the lights reflected from the stage, and through the fog before it hit the sky, looked like the northern lights. i was thoroughly satisfied with second best.
but my friends got bored, and cold, and distracted by conversations that were somehow more interesting than what was in front of our faces. “i don’t know these songs,” they said. but does that really mean you can’t appreciate it? i started to wish i was with people who knew how to shut up and enjoy a quality summer night when it was handed to them. “wrap your hoodie around you a little tighter, accept the fact that you will lose a few hours of sleep tonight, learn some new music, and realize that what we have is so much better than sitting at home wishing were here,” is what i wanted to say. or “seize the moment! or “enjoy the little things!” instead, they asked twelve times if i was sure i would be okay on my own if they got a ride home early. twelve times, i assured them i would.
for over an hour, i sat alone, on the disposable table cloth these two woman gave me, doing my own thing. the show ended, and i found my boyfriend and some friends who had just came out from inside. and it was a beautiful night that i spent on my own, doing what i wanted, and leading my own way.
in a strange way, to me, this was a small step forward.