last night, it had felt like my brain was rattling with sounds and thoughts, but i couldn’t put my finger on what the thoughts were and what was making the sound. i felt it, but couldn’t see it. it was overwhelming to the point that all i could think to do was go to bed.
after finally peeling myself out of my bed this morning, the story of my day went from “powering through the remnants of yesterday’s unprovoked depressive mood and get this to-do list over with” to “getting things done because you’ll feel god having them finished and because you haven’t had time to yourself for longer than you remember and you desperately need it.”
it brought me back to the solid chunk of time in my life, maybe three or four years ago, right before i really started to get mentally ill, where i refused to go out on sundays. it was my one day a week dedicated to waking up while it was still socially acceptable to eat breakfast, jammed out to some new music while deep cleaning my room and maybe starting a new organizational task or some reorganizing, ran the important errands, and spent any leftover time until dinner to do something by myself and for myself.
after being reminded of the importance of slowing down once in a while, i was able to see a lot of things more clearly than they’ve been. the most important being that the people in my life and the roles that they play in it have gotten me as close to being out of this mess i’ve made as i am. to alter any of that in such a fragile state would be fixing something that isn’t broken. that’s one mistake i need to stop making, and i say it’s time for me to stop ignoring the signs telling me so.
everybody has it, but nobody talks about that very first second it happens. the one where you suddenly become nostalgic over people, places, and things that you once thought would always, undoubtedly be around…
"i used to come here all the time with the guy i used to love and the people who used to be a bigger part of my life.”
there’s something about that moment where you catch the conviction in your voice when using the past tense to describe certain things that stings more than the entire idea of it being nothing but a memory anymore.
but that feeling. you know it, right? there should be a name for it.
the thing i’m least in love with in regards to having a cat live in my room (next to the aromatic piss box) is how every now and then during the later hours of the night, he’ll stop what he’s doing to stare at absolutely nothing float around. i’m not sure if i want to know what he sees that i don’t…
it hasn’t been a fun ride, but it’s definitely been an educational one. the way i see things now are not the same way i saw them then, and it’s overwhelming to have all of these new concepts circulate around my little brain except for when i let them free for a few minutes at a time during a post-bong-rip tangent. especially when the thoughts have been coming in far more frequently than i’ve been used to. on one side, it’s great to have that creative spark back. on the other hand, i’ve forgotten how to let it all out in a way that feels right to me, so i don’t know what to do with it. this post can be considered a start, though, right?
Though there were far more stereotypical white young adults at the concert than expected, my sweet kicks did not help me to feel like a gangster. However, I faked it until I made it, and rather enjoyed my first live rap experience. Also Kanye West is one ballsy mother fucker.
have been in my pajamas since 5pm, almost done editing pictures from a stage adaption of night of the living dead, all of the candles in my room are lit, drinking green tea with apple cider vinegar, eating white rice my mom just brought home for me, while reflectively listening to manchester orchestra after having just seen them live for the first time two days ago. being sick isn’t always half bad.
i’ve been waiting as patiently as possible during this part of the chapter in my life, not for everything to get better; but to make more sense. i know why i have been so far from myself, but i don’t know why i haven’t been able to find my way back. tonight was unexpectedly a step in the right direction. the path started with a few newly discovered facts about myself:
1. it’s part of the whole introvert/extrovert thing - it’s not the way you are on a regular day as much as it’s how you recharge yourself that defines which of the two you are. i never understood that until tonight, after having different and unrelated conversations with different and unrelated people that miraculously came together to make a light bulb go off over my head that is change that refuels me.
as somebody with a diagnosed case of severe OCD, the idea of inconsistency and change makes my insides crawl. but looking back, i ironically have a god awful track record when it comes to staying in one place (emotionally, physically, and mentally) for a certain amount of time. i’ve been doing what i need to do for myself and beating myself up for it. when i hang out with new friends or old ones i haven’t seen in a while, or pick up a new hobby or visit an old one, the feeling i get is one that’s comprised of energy in every respect. i need to seek the power within me to do away with all of my rituals and make every day a new adventure.
2. one friend i saw tonight was one that understands me on a level that could make me burst with gratitude for having in my life. we hadn’t seen each other or caught up properly in months, so i was briefly telling her about the few guys i’ve “talked to” or saw potential in since being single. she asked me what was wrong with them that i’m not “talking to” them anymore. my answers were difficult to explain until she told me, without missing a beat, that i have a problem with letting myself be with someone who doesn’t need to be saved or fixed in someway. maybe i did see that somewhere in the back of my mind after going from dating a recovering drug addict to dating a cancer patient to turning down fucking prince charming. hearing it from a friend who knows me best just for having been there through certain stages of my life that the newer friends i’ve been spending most of my time with haven’t, though, was more mind blowing than i can really put into words. if i make any romantic decisions with this absurdly unclear head, i’m not going to be able to make that distinction between what my codependent mind thinks is right and what’s really is right, and that’s going bring me straight the fuck back to square one. i need to take all the energy i’ve been putting into finding a solid relationship with somebody else and put that into finding a solid relationship with myself.
3. there were one or two more, but i’ve grown quite tired since starting this post, so i’m going to save them for another day.
4. in hindsight, the lessons i learned tonight are pretty basic and i definitely should have known them well beforehand, anyway.
aside from the cards that life will deal to me no matter where i go, there is not a complaint in the world that i would feel justified for making. so i’m almost ashamed over how discouraging it is to feel like there is something missing. i have this strong desire to give everything i have to something that i know i was meant to do, and to do it in a place i know i was meant to do it in. yes, yoga speaks to me on the most ridiculous of levels, and i want to share that with others, but it has never given me that feeling of belonging the way that filming once did, or the way that i do whenever i’m in the presence of live music. it’s been heartbreaking these past few months since receiving my yoga teacher certification to discover that void in my heart has not yet been filled the way i imagined it would. but at the same time, there’s still a journey to look forward to. keeping those wheels turning is the hard part, and knowing what direction to steer them in is the hardest. i need to hire somebody to kick my ass for every second i stop moving, or i’m never going to move from this place i’m in.
after years of consistent nagging and begging, my parents finally agreed to me getting a cat. one of my best friends called me last night from her vet office job to tell me that a nine-year-old black cat had been dropped off and was in need of an immediate home, or she would be sent to a shelter. neither black cats nor adult cats do well in shelters by any means, so this could very well have been a life or death situation for this poor guy, who had already been named “lucky.”
he’s very sweet and let me pet him, but is also clearly confused. he has been hanging out underneath my bed for an hour after shyly investigating my bedroom. though i haven’t seen him even peek his head out since he first found his new hiding spot, his company is oddly uplifting. my room feels a little lighter and brighter just knowing that he’s here, and that he’s mine. typically i would feel unsatisfied sitting around alone on my day off. but today, sitting in my chair, drinking coffee, listening to new music, searching the internet for interesting articles before jumping on the breaking bad bandwagon, and feeling lucky’s presence, is just the refresher i’ve needed these past few weeks.
talking about it would help this grieving process go a lot smoother. but every time i open my mouth, or start to type, or write, everything freezes. i’m so afraid for this to be real, because it literally, physically hurts as it is.
i was hoping something more uplifting than crying into my dead ex-boyfriend’s hoodie would be the inspiration for me to come back to my personal blog. but that’s not what life had planned for me, apparently.
i’m going to be completely honest - a huge factor in me deciding to use tumblr for a more professional than personal use was because i felt as though i was never my own person as much as i was “michele’s daughter”
but after what i just heard…
some of you may have stepped in and stood up for me in these past couple of days, some of you may have stepped in and stood up for my mom, and some of you may have done a little bit of both. either way, i want to personally thank those of you who set out in your selflessness to defend me when i wasn’t around to do it myself until now.
i’m not completely sure what exactly happened, and who said what, but what i do know is that somebody threatened me. if that person happens to see this post, i hope this situation shed some light on your need of help and that you do reach out and ask for it. there are so many people out there who are ready and willing to change the way you think and feel about others and yourself, including me. you don’t have to be this person that you proved yourself to be. and to whoever was accused of ever having the ability to put me in such danger - please, please, please know that i would never believe it.
thank you a million times again to anybody who thought of me enough to get involved. a lot of you are more real of friends than i had once thought, and am so sorry for doubting that.
it’s been suggested to me by somebody in my field who i trust from both a spiritual and business standpoint to separate all of my forms of social media completely if i’m going to eventually be drawing in a crowd with them. especially after already changing my blog (for more personal reasons at the…
it’s been suggested to me by somebody in my field who i trust from both a spiritual and business standpoint to separate all of my forms of social media completely if i’m going to eventually be drawing in a crowd with them. especially after already changing my blog (for more personal reasons at the time), i was definitely reluctant. but it does make a lot of sense - it will be easier to draw in said crowd if i’m posting solely related content, and there are probably some things on both here and on my instragram and on my twitter that i wouldn’t want people not close to me to see. so i’m going to play around with this new blog and see what happens. maybe i’ll come back to check up on you guys and to make personal posts that i would only want those close to me seeing. or maybe i won’t need that outlet anymore. whatever the case, those who care to keep up in touch with me outside of this website probably already know how to. if not, feel free to either follow me to my new blog, message me for my number, or both. exciting things are going to happen to my career, and i do hope to have you all along for the ride.
for as long as i’ve been following bands around new york and its surrounding states, i’ve always come home from a live music experience with the same inspired and uplifted feeling. but it wasn’t until tonight, after seeing circa survive for the fifth time in two years and coheed and cambria for the very first, that i wondered where exactly this feeling comes from…
is it chemical - do the lyrics, voices, and instrumentals you’re so used to hearing through your headphones coming to life before your eyes promote excitement and release all of these endorphins? or is it more physical - do the vibrations shake your body awake and beyond? now what if it’s more spiritual? it is said that our chakras can never be perfectly aligned until our spirits are set free from our skin, and we are passed. but what if, for some of us, our mumble-jumbled chakras are the lock, and the music that we love is the key, and the way that the sound waves come together when played in our very presence are the perfectly crafted grooves in that key that unlocks the door to our purest state in this human life?
maybe it’s one, or two, or all three. maybe it’s none, and i’m just an over-analytical hot mess with a thirst for vicarious talent. i’ll leave my mind open to all possibilities. but as for tonight, i feel grateful to have found the key to my lock, the rock to my roll, the deep inspiration to find a way to harness whatever it is that the music that i love makes me feel.